Torn

A rare moment

Emmy has never been a particularly cuddly child. When she was a baby, I longed for her to lay her head on my shoulder and I was envious when I saw other babies and toddlers curled up in their mommies' arms, sound asleep, during church.

Interestingly, as she has gotten older, Emmy seems to appreciate cuddling more than she used to. She loves to snuggle up with a blanket and watch a show or read a story together. When I put her to bed, she loves for me to lie next to her, and when I sing to her, she clutches me around the neck. I love these moments, and I always feel the need to savor them.

While Sophie naps in the afternoons, Emmy is often allowed to watch one or two TV shows while I take a quick nap in my room. (This has become somewhat of a necessity since this pregnancy has rendered me quite exhausted!) The other afternoon, I was turning on the TV for Emmy when she asked me to lay with her on the couch. I agreed, since she was so eager to be close to me. We snuggled up together, and started watching Barney. It didn't take long for me to start to nod off - probably less than a minute. The only problem was, that she needed to adjust herself every minute or less. She'd turn her head, which would make her hair brush across my face. She'd wiggle closer, or move her foot, or tell me to open my eyes to see something real quick, and then move her head again. I started to think that she couldn't even hold still for ten seconds! I decided to put my head on the opposite side of the couch, hoping she'd stay where she was. One minute later, her head was against my cheek. I asked her kindly to not move so much. I told her how tired I was. And she could NOT STOP moving!

I felt so torn! I was becoming increasingly annoyed with my sweet little girl who wanted to snuggle with me, and who really wasn't trying to be annoying! (And believe me, there are plenty of other times when her behavior really does warrant some distancing). I ended up toughing it out and just trying really hard not to feel frustrated. How many more quiet afternoons will I get to have with just her? Someday, perhaps I'll long to feel her sweetness close to me, wiggles included.

As I write about this now, it seems like such a tiny thing - how could I have even let myself be annoyed? But in my sleepy state, it felt hard. I think that's part of what being a mom is all about - many tiny moments that feel big. Tiny moments that add up to create a lasting impression. Tiny moments that just need a little perspective sometimes.