A few weeks ago I showed up to church choir practice and I happened to be the only soprano there for awhile. We practiced the song that we would be performing that day and as we sang it, I realized that I was the only one there to sing the descant. Although I sing soprano, I would not consider myself a 1st soprano, and this descant was in a higher range than I am comfortable singing. Still, when we got to that particular part, I took a big breath and did the best I could do. I definitely felt on the spot, singing notes higher than I like to sing for all of the choir to hear. Although I didn't feel confident with my sound, I still hoped that it would be good enough.
After we sang through the song a couple of times, our director stated, "this descant is not working." And then she looked at me and realized I was the only one singing it and added, "I'm sorry."
Luckily, one of our really great sopranos showed up just in the nick of time and saved the day with the descant. Still, I couldn't help but feel crushed. I was not offended. The choir director did not hurt my feelings. But I was embarrassed. And more than embarrassed, I was just very sad. Sad that I didn't have the kind of voice that could carry that descant. Sad that what I had to give was just not enough.
I am not usually emotional, but later when one of my good friends innocently asked me how I was doing, I couldn't hold back the tears.
You see, I love to sing. Music makes me happy. If I had a different life than I do, and if I could choose to be really really good at something, I would choose to be able to sing so beautifully that my voice could make others' hearts soar.
I've been thinking about this experience over the last few weeks. I don't think I'll ever stop wishing that my singing were more than what it is. I've been more aware of my shortcomings, more wistful over what I am not. On top of all of this, I've had a cold for a lot of the Christmas season. So although I've been singing Christmas songs wholeheartedly, I've not been in full voice.
Last week was our choir's Christmas program. I felt frustrated that my voice was scratchy and a little hoarse, but as we sang of the joy of Christ's birth, I forgot about how my voice sounded and I became lost in the joy and the beauty and the message of the music. As the program came to a close, it occurred to me that I have a gift to be grateful for: the gift of feeling music. When I sing or play, my own heart soars. I feel the Spirit. And it is enough.
5 months ago
3 comments:
Well said Katie! Your writing and gift of expression makes my heart soar!
You wrote exactly what I've felt hundreds of times in my life! I have often said to Jeremy that if I could have one talent I don't have, it would be to have a beautiful singing voice. But like you, I also love music, and I'm grateful to have that love and to be able to share it the best I can with others--particularly my children.
I was thinking about this just this Sunday. Our family sang a little song in church, and Clara sang part of it as a solo. She has FAR from perfect pitch, but she is fearless, loves music, and is happy making people happy. She'll probably not suddenly acquire the perfect singing voice, but I hope she continues to develop her confidence and love of music. I've kept the love but lost some of the confidence. I probably could learn something from her--and from you. Thanks for the beautiful post.
Katie how funny I was just thinking today in church during a particularly high hymn that I wished I could sing high beautifully. Or just have one of those amazing voices. I miss choir so much and being in music in high school. It was so much fun. I sometimes feel like people don't even know that was such a part of my life! Like it just got taken from me! Im impressed you are in your church choir. This makes me want to join one again! :) Your voice is beautiful!!!
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